This wasn't the post I was planning on writing/posting today, Mondays are always busy and I was going to go with a review I had already written for Blogmas. Last night really wasn't a good night for me and since publicly admitting to my sleep issues I've been trying to be more honest about what is going on, so this felt like a better, if harder to write post for today.
I feel like crap right now, grade A, worn out crap. I didn't sleep well at all last night, woke up to sore eyes and then had to have a cold bath because my boiler isn't working properly. Then I had to go to work and survive a day in the office. I am now on holiday though, so that's a silver lining I guess. If my sentence structure or spelling is a little weird and off, let me know and I'll come back and fix it later because I can barely focus on the screen right now.
So last night didn't start out horrible. I followed all my own steps that usually help ease me into a better nights sleep. I went to bed when I felt sleepy and at a reasonable time, I curled up, got comfy and then got hit with the worst sleep paralysis I've ever experienced. It wasn't the usual terrifying made up horror in the room, this was like someone was crushing me against the bed. I couldn't move at all. I was just pinned there. Awake and unable to move at all. And it seemed to last for an eternity.
Once I managed to free myself, I turned the lamp on, and sat bolt upright in the bed with my back against the headboard heavy breathing and trying to process what was going in. It was the most scared I've ever felt in my life.
Every tiny noise made me jump out my skin, if I moved and anything brushed against me I tensed more than should be possible. I've had a lot of nightmares in my life, but this was like being awake in one. My bedroom was scary but the rest of my flat felt like a world of unknown terror, I knew I'd have to face before I'd manage to finally fall asleep.
It took me a long time to get from the bed out into the hallway, which always has a light on in it. When I threw the covers off in an act of sudden determination it caused a draft that made the pendant pieces that hang from my light shade clang together horribly, giving my a horrendous fright and making me want to cry. I don't understand why I feel so scared in my own home sometimes.
Once I made it into the hall I still didn't feel any better. I went round and methodically switched on every light, checked the door was locked, the cooker was off, took some Kalms from the cupboard (they don't help but its nice to think they might). Checked the cooker and the door again, used the toilet, turned all the lights off in the same order I turned them on in, kicked off my slippers, turned off the light and curled up in bed again.
I didn't feel any better though. Every time I rolled the duvet hit my skin, I shuddered. I couldn't settle and my terror level was still through the roof. I gave up and turned the light back on, hoping the lamp light would calm my nerves, convince me whatever I was imagining was 100% imaginary.
It didn't work, my window is directly above the door into my block of flats and every time it banged closed, I was awake again. When I was finally drifting off, the fear of what happened earlier on the night crept back in and I was awake again. When I got comfy and rolled over, the covers scraped against my legs and I was awake again.
In the end I gave up and broke one of my own rules. I just wanted to forget I was so scared of whatever was going on in my mind. I found Going Postal, one of my favourite books of all time, and curled up in bed with it. I've read several times before so I was hoping the familiarity would offer me some sense of security.
It actually worked, kind off. Within twenty pages my eyes were feeling heavy and I wasn't sure if I could read much more. I put the book down, rolled back over and half crashed with the light own. It wasn't sleep, I was stuck in the moment before sleep when I couldn't tip myself either way. But I wasn't paralysed, I didn't feel crushed or scared, there wasn't an imaginary monster in the corner. Without any of that stuff its actually a weird, kind of cool feeling, but just not when you know you need to be awake in a couple of hours and haven't slept yet.
This happened a few times, I'd wake myself back up, roll over, rinse and repeat. At some point, I'm not sure when exactly, I turned the lamp out and managed to dose off. I'm estimating that it was about three I actually slipped off to dreamland, but looking at my phone is the worst thing I can do when I'm trying to fall asleep, so I didn't check it. Maybe I should have, maybe if I'd seen the world outside my flat wasn't imploding it would have calmed me down a little. Thinking back I would have taken more away and calmer over the tired, terrified mess I was.
When my alarm went off at 6am it felt like I hadn't been asleep at all. I had to force myself out of bed and into a lukewarm bath as the boiler had crapped out again. I could barely focus on anything and my eyes stung like I'd rubbed soap in them.
So that about sums up today. Everything before lunch time is a blurry haze. I know I went out and bought new foundation, I couldn't honestly tell you anything more about it other than its a liquid one and I bought it in Boots.
I hope to never repeat a night like that again. I know I probably will though. I will be going to the doctor and actually seeking some kind of medical help regarding my sleep although it probably wont be till after Christmas. I probably won't post anything else about sleep or a sleep update until I've had that appointment, unless something big or groundbreaking happens. Also I don't recommend putting off seeking medical help, or not seeing the doctor, I'm just on holiday from work right now and if my sleep schedule gets a little messed up, or I have a couple of sleepless nights it wont be the worst thing in the world, although it feels like it at the time.
Sorry if this post makes me seem crazy. I just want you to know if you have the same issued I do, you are not alone.
Fun side note - I just took off the full face makeup I put on to compensate for how tired I felt today (way more than I normally would because I felt so drained and didnt want to look it) and I've been wearing blue liquid eyeliner all day. That had been on my face for over twelve hours and I hadn't even noticed it wasn't black. I only noticed as the cotton wool pad had blue on it, which I thought was odd, so I went and checked the pen. Its not just blue, its obviously blue. It says blue on it and has a blue end. I actually don't know how I missed it but I'm beginning to wish I hadn't bought foundation today if my colour judgement was that off.
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